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Unloving Negativity

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Oh, the pain of falling in love with the wrong person! This was the time when it was perfectly alright to cry your heart and eyes out, stalk the hell out of that bastard’s Facebook, ask yourself a million questions why he does not love you when you’ve given him everything a guy might ever want, and ruin a perfect Saturday night with your girls by alternately ranting and pitying yourself. In short, it was okay to be unreasonable and, well, irrational. After all, it was your heart that got broken. But that does not mean it’ll stop beating.

If you tell me before that the right person for me is not the person I was then head-over-heels in love with, I would have punched you in the face and shouted “Blasphemy!” If you tell me this now, I would shake your hand, hug you, and say, “Hallelujah!” What I’m saying here is, until you willingly extricate yourself out of the situation and the overwhelming feelings, you will never be able to accept what is really for you. Because you believe that this person is for you, you won’t ever listen to anyone telling you otherwise. To you, this person makes you happy, this person is destined for you, and this person just needs time to realize these things on his own.

But while you’re caught up in your own web of emotions, slowly you’ll realize that you are alone in this chaotic routine of happy-sad-happy-sad. Yes, you are alone. Couples who love each other will continue to be together through that same chaos; while you will be the sole bearer of all that shit because: (a) he does not give a flying eff about your drama, and (b) he’s too busy living his own life to bother with your concerns especially if he doesn’t see them as his deal. You might be in a relationship with this guy or it might be a one-sided kind of thing. Any way you think about it, it will all boil down to the fact that you and him are not “all in this together.”

And that’ll be the beginning of sorts for you. You will realize your unhappiness and it will be louder this time. You’ll question yourself if this person truly makes you happy, if he’s really destined for you, and you’ll wonder how much time he still needs to realize how perfect you are with each other (and even that will be a big question mark looming inside your head). You might try harder, make yourself better, and fix everything that you think needs to be fixed just to eliminate those doubts, because hey, you and him are forever, right?

Then when you can’t take the voices in your head anymore, everything will just explode and yes, it will be very messy. If you’re in a relationship with this person, you’ll probably have a harder time. Breakups are never easy, anyway. If you’re single, it’s probably easier, but still, heart breaks are heart breaks and nothing will be the same after that.

No, nothing will ever be the same. For some time it’ll be like the end of the world as you know it. You’ll probably curse every single thing with his memories attached to it, burn them, then cry over the ashes (maybe even scoop them out and cradle them, but that’s too Hollywood. And frankly, a bit creepy). You’ll be surrounded with memories and regrets and lots of other overwhelming emotions, and maybe you’ll go crazy. You might backslide a couple of times. Different people have different coping methods, and while not everyone will go all diva-esque over this failed fantasy, drama, excessive or not, is all part of the process.

However, there are so many things that I learned after all the angsting and the unhappiness I allowed myself to get into. And while it might have hurt then, I am actually thankful that I experienced them because it made me a better person now.

One: I learned who my true friends are. After all, it takes a lot of dedication to stay with a friend who constantly cries over brandy and chips. It takes balls to slap the upside of said friend’s head and tell her to move on, biatch, the world is not yet ending. These are the friends who have seen you at your worst and will stay with you regardless. When your life feels like a bad teleserye (read: dire situations and awful, unnecesary blowing up of vehicles), your real friends will always lend you a hand, even if it’s to slap you awake to reality.

Two: Life is so much beautiful when you live for the right reasons. Before, I used to think that by changing myself into the kind of girl the person I loved then liked, he will love me back. But it only felt like my life was one hell of a joke and a half. It took a while, but I realized that I can be myself without someone else’s approval, and that others will love me for it more. So don’t change who you are for someone else’s benefit. You’ll never be happy and your life will be a farce.

Three: Drinking with friends without breaking down is FUN! Amen.

Four: Good things happen. Freeing yourself from this depressing “relationship” opens you up for more possibilities. I was caging myself in before, telling myself that I need to conform to what he wants for him to like me back. I liked what he liked, adapted some of his mannerisms, and made myself believe that there was no one else but him. But I was wrong. I realized, when I allowed myself to move on, that it’s okay to like what I like and be me. I realized that he was just but a tiny player in the grander scheme of things, placed by God to make me realize my worth and to help me know that the right person for me is entirely different from the wrong one. And so so so much better!

Five: My faith was strengthened. During those times of struggle, there was really one thing that I always did, every day: I prayed. It made me closer to God, appreciate my faith more, and I realized that God has a plan for me. And yes, that was the reason why I had the word tattooed on my back. My faith in God was the biggest thing that helped me.

Six: Love, with the right person, is a million times better and more wonderful than anything else in the world. But only if you let yourself have it. At some point in your life, God will place the right person on your path and you’ll bump into him. Sure, you’ll be hesitant and wary at first, but it is God’s plan, and He will always make sure that you’ll end up where He has planned you to end up. No matter how many detours you went through and how long you took, He will be guiding you. If there are doubts, pray. And suddenly you will feel good about it, the birds will start singing, and before you know it, love–true love–has finally found you.

Image from WeHeartIt

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