Family / Friends / Me

2012: A Year in the Life of Tracy

2012 is almost done and 2013 will usher in soon, and I think it’s apt to write one last blog for the 2012 road before it ends.

This year has been another roller coaster, one I took on with both eyes and both ears open. There were pretty major choices I made that I knew would crush me that I still took, and while I wanted to hang myself for them, I just opted to suck it up, ’cause hey, they were my choices. But that doesn’t mean I’m gonna stand by and let ’em batter me down.

Work was really something I messed up. It made me question a lot of things in myself, and realized that you really can’t be happy if what you’re doing is something you’re forcing. At first I liked the thought of studying and learning a whole different field. I enjoyed it, really! But then when someone gets up to point out again and again that you’re not as intelligent as you thought you are, it gets to you. Well, at least it got to me. I questioned my self-worth over that one person’s opinion and I could only come up with the depressing thought that I just stopped caring for what was being taught the second everything became personal. I had high hopes for this program, but I don’t know anymore. Hopefully, it will take a better turn next year. It’s a good thing they deployed us two months ago because I can re-evaluate stuff and do things that I actually get challenged and cared about.

Another thing I got into that I know I shouldn’t have is that thing. I don’t really want to talk about it ’cause it just makes me wince and want to bang my head on this plastic desk my laptop is on. I guess I just put too much faith on a person who shows to me again and again how misplaced my faith is. The problem? I still have that faith on that person even though I know I shouldn’t. But I’m not gonna hate myself for that. It was worth it: all the tears and the heartaches, the soul-wrenching guilt and jealousy. It was worth it because I know what I gave was real love. That with his faults, and not despite them, I continued to love that person. Because that’s Christian love. Just because that person didn’t feel the same way doesn’t make it any less pure or make me any less of a person. And while I still ache every time I remember things, I know that it just made me better because I understand. That’s a vague statement if you’re not me, so don’t try to understand it if you really can’t. Haha! I think I will continue loving that person, and even if there’s another, he will always have a place in my heart. That’s what happens when someone had a huge presence in your life. But I guess, I’ll treat him as a happy memory more than anything. And should I still remember the pain he caused, I will take it as a reminder and be thankful that I survived as a better person.

I had so many plans that I didn’t manage to do this year, but hopefully I can do them in 2013. I always tell myself that I will travel, and look at me riding my first plane earlier this year! I also bought things I have wanted to for a long time. My friends are still my friends, and I am so glad that every year, the friendships I share with them get strengthened. My family also had its share of ups and downs, and I’m happy that we’re stronger and closer. I actually open up more to my parents now. One thing I regret is not having time for my best friend May, even for just a quick chat over at Facebook, or Skype. I promise to be more visible to her next year. And for my other best friend… I regret not being one because he won’t let me. I don’t know if that will be fixed, so I just have to wait and see and not force anything.

This year, I tapped my inner math genius and my inner fashion designer selves. Hahaha! And I am so proud of myself. I may have forgotten a little about my Kpop fan self and my writer self, but I promise that next year, I will make time. There’s also one thing that I learned this year, though it’s late, and it’s that you can only be in a funk for so long before you decide that there’s something better than looking back at the things that made you sad.

2012 is a year of mistakes that I made despite knowing I will get hurt. But then, I like to think of it as something that I needed to get through in order to know myself better and make me stronger. If there’s anything I am worried about, it is the fact that I am in danger of being “manhid.” But I don’t want that. Though I don’t like to get hurt, I don’t want to be so cold and numb to pain because there’s nothing sadder than a person who doesn’t feel anything.

Oh well, another year out and one in. This 2013, I promise to:

  • Make time for writing and reading
  • Learn more about photography and not rely on digital effects too much
  • Take care of my body more (more sleep, less computer time)
  • Be sober (NO ALCOHOL!)
  • Think more before jumping into things that I already know will hurt me
  • Listen
  • Be spontaneous
  • Travel more
  • Love slowly

Happy 2013, you guys! May everyone’s blessings triple this coming 2013!

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