Lately, I have been pondering more on the things that I’m feeling, the things I believe in, and the things that I think are important. And yes, I have been doubting things. I’m doubting my ability to stick with what I feel. I am wavering.
And this time, it’s not because I’m not sure how he feels for me. Because I know, or at least I think I know, what he feels for me. He doesn’t feel anything. And while I’ve been okay with that, lately I’ve been asking myself if that’s okay with me or if it’s finally time to move on. I’m doubting because of myself. I’m doubting if what I’m feeling for him is good for both of us. I’m doubting if I still want what I’m feeling. My trainer tells me that I shouldn’t doubt myself, but we all reach that point, right? That’s a natural thing. And I’m doubting a lot of things.
I’m doubting if this is still worth it. I’m doubting if I can still go along this whole circus of emotions. I’m doubting if anything good will happen from this. I’m doubting if what I’m feeling is enough to make me not care of all the negative things. I’m doubting if I can still hold on to the smallest positive things. Which, I think, is silly, because even if there are 100 reasons for me to go, the one or two reasons I have for staying, have always been there. And I used to believe that they were enough. Now though, I don’t really know.
At the end of the day, I go back to this: am I still happy?
Dream Wandering 
Action #3: Recognize that absolute certainty is an unreasonable expectation. Some live with faith without ever doubting. That’s great. But some of us are so wired that we are incapable of that. A few years ago, I had one of those “Ah-ha!” moments that has been life-changing. I realized that my faith is just one of many things I second-guess. I doubt many decisions lonnnnngggg after I’ve made them. This is an idiosyncrasy I’ve possessed from childhood, and I hate it. We’re not just talking about important decisions, such as whom I married. I sometimes find myself reconsidering, re-reconsidering, and re-re-reconsidering unimportant decisions, such as items I’ve purchased: a watch, a car, a bottle of cologne. This recognition alone has been a tremendous help to me in understanding why I doubt: It’s the way I’m wired. For me, absolute certainty is an unreasonable expectation. So, I’m learning to live contently with reasonable certainty.
I get you. Life won’t be without the forks in the road and the questions of whether you’ve gone on to the right road or picked the right dress. I get that it’s normal to waver about stuff, important or otherwise. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You’re right, and maybe I should learn how to live contently with that reasonable certainty you are talking about. 🙂