I am quite aware of the fact that you can only love a person so much before one of you or both break. Sometimes they break for the better. Sometimes it’s the opposite. How do you know exactly when to break? I guess you just know and you just do. No one dictates these kinds of things, anyway. When your world caves in, you either let yourself be buried under the rubble or grab on to something solid and fight hard to keep your head out of the mess. If only you can see what exactly is going on, you’d know how to get out of it, right? But sometimes, you end up as the former: buried, blind, helpless. And then, as you breathe underneath the debris, you wonder how you’ll get out. Oh if only someone saw what happened and cared enough to dig you out of there, then you’d be safe.
I’ve been asking myself some questions that I don’t think I can find the answers soon. Plenty of people say that in time, we will know why everything that’s happened, happened. Our questions will be answered, and we will finally understand. I think that’s what a lot of people want: to understand. We tend to do things out of habit, out of duty, out of love. But when we are asked “Why?” we usually don’t have the answer. I sometimes do things as my heart tells me, and sometimes, I can’t really find the reason why. Once, someone asked me “Why do you love me?” and I never really had an answer. I just answered as I hear people answer in the movies: “Because you’re you.” I figured that it must have a grain of truth in it for it to be written in a script, and I still think it does. But that doesn’t really tell us anything, right? It only begets another question, one more difficult to answer: “Why do you love me because I’m me?”
In my mind, the only answer I can give is a smile. Why do I love that person? Why of all people, him? Why do I love him as him? I don’t have the answer. Does that mean that my love isn’t true? I think not.
But I digress. I’m talking about how people want to understand things. Sometimes, I don’t mind so much that I don’t understand because I don’t make sense most of the time, and being sensible all the time bores me. The thing I’m more concerned about is the when of things. When will something I want happen? When will someone I want come? Did they already arrive? Sometimes, I’m impatient and I don’t care if I understand something or not; I just want to know when I’ll understand and then look forward to it. But it really doesn’t work that way. And as time goes by, I realized that sometimes, understanding things are more important than knowing when you’ll understand them.
There’s also another thing I’d want to know. When do you know when you’ve gone from Point A to Point B? When do you know when you’ve arrived? I guess when you’re content and happy and not asking for more? But humans are insatiable creatures, as my teacher in high school and professor in college said. Plenty of people like and want things at any point in their lives. Can a person really be content? I know how I’ll be content, strange and doubtful as it might sound. I’ve always known what I want, just not the way I want to achieve it. In that aspect, I’m stumped. My trainer mentioned something about this earlier. She said that we’ll always have “what ifs” whatever road we take. Unless we man up and pursue what’s ahead of the road we chose.
I don’t know which road to take. Maybe that’s the problem with me. I know what I want, but how to pursue it is the problem. The what-ifs have plagued my head long before I’ve seen the roads I had to choose from, and while I’ve already taken one, I seem to have stumbled upon the same juncture. Maybe this is God’s way of giving me another chance. Maybe it’s because I chose badly the last time, and I’m given another chance to make it right. Maybe. I feel like I’m in a choose-your-own-adventure book. But then again, this is my adventure.
I think I’m taking the wrong road again. Because I’m not really happy. My heart keeps on telling me that I’m missing something, and I’m so confused. Do I miss it because it’s meant to be with me? Is it the way fate is telling me to turn back and take up the other road? Or do I miss it because I’ve grown accustomed to it, and I’m just being tested?
The thing is, you know the road I took before? It’s the same as the road I’m starting to journey on now. And I wasn’t entirely happy back then, either.
I also want to know if this is right. My trainer, again, said something that struck me. She was telling us about the time her 40-year-old friend got married. She and her husband were people who both knew what they want. They’re people who find it hard to bend for the another, my trainer said. But the priest in their wedding told the groom: “Do you want to be right? Or do you want to be happy?”
Am I right in doing this? Distancing myself away from someone who might or might not hold the answers to my questions because I’m scared to get hurt again doesn’t seem to be right. Does that mean I’m wrong? I don’t really know. All I know is I’m at a standstill, and I don’t know which road to take. And more importantly, each day that passes just gnaws at my heart, as if telling me that a huge part of me is missing. I guess, that’s the whole point of this post. To just admit to myself that I miss him, and I still don’t know what to do. Because I don’t really want to quit. I don’t really want to let go. I want to turn back and take the other road and find out if things will get better.
There is just that looming question that scares me: this time, will he travel with me?